i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize