Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
