My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
