help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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