First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize