around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
