SEEEEXXX PLEASE
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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