K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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