also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
