i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
