I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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