Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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