make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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