This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
