Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
