I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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