So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
