I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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