Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize