people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize