She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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