I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
