New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
