So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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