it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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