I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
