remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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