The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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