Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
