you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
