Moan for me like Helen Keller
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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