Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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