The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
