dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
