i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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