there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
