If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
