thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
