My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
