my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
