I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
