Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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