I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
