i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
