Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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