I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
