i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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