I haven't been this sober since birth.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
