i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
