Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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