when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
