My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
