had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
