the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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