My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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