Dude my mom stole all your condoms
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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