Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
