the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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