Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize