Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
